When I go back and begin examining my life and events passed I begin to realize that this is perhaps the most depressing time of my life. Yes there was the depression of Sophomore year when I feared that I would never pass Algebra and in turn never graduate. There was the depression when I was sixteen and hated the world and believed that I would be better off dead. Then there was the depression when I was seventeen and my health declined drastically. But looking back on these events now, I must say in retrospect they were trivial matters. Merely hormonal imbalances in an ever changing and growing adolescent body. The transition from child to adult is a painful one; but survivable.
No. As I sit listening to music looking around my home I begin realizing exactly how depressed I really am. Yes the house is a disaster. Torn apart in the search of items I need. Boxes already packed line one wall, while others lay half full waiting for more precious items to be stored away. You never really notice until times like these how---every little item brings on a bout of memories. Each article of clothing, each book, note-book movie. My heart ached when I began packing my pictures of my family though I have few. I suddenly wish that I had more. That I had the time to take thousands and frame them just for the memories. But I do not. My stomach clenched unpleasantly while I packed away my Star Trek movies; Making sure I had every summary card, every disc and every case. While I set those hard plastic covered films in the box I couldn’t help but think of my mother. She was the one who gave them to me. I thought of all of the memories shared while watching those episodes. The snickers, the jokes, the innuendos blatant or otherwise. The irritation of having to explain things that I find easy to understand. The time spent so precious. I wish that we could have one more marathon and watch the adventures of the Enterprise crew. But once again; no time.
As I begin packing away my books memories quite bittersweet come to me. I think of my grandma as I pack away my Harry Potter books. She bought many of them for me. 1-5 if memory serves. And even though she did not buy me 6 or 7 she always made sure to find away to get me to the bookstore to get them. As I pack away the Iron series the most bitter of sadness descends. I read all three books to my mom, grandma and dad. We would all sit together for hours and read and listen. I find the memories of that time bitter because I know that when the fourth book comes out---I will not be here to read it to them.
It may seem that I am making it sound like I am leaving and never coming back. I know that I will return for visits, and someday for good. But to reflect on all of these memories brings about the painful truth. I am moving away from my family. I am leaving everything familiar behind. I am leaving my grandmother. No more bickering about her politic obsessions or snapping about mundane computer idiocies. No more conversations--one sided as they may be about things only I am really interested in. I am losing a very important person to talk at. I am leaving my father; and even though we do little more than fight and I find myself irritated at him most of the time I know I will miss him. Even though we are not as close as I had once hoped we would be, he was always a constant annoyance or comfort in some distant corner there if I needed him. I am going to miss that constant. I am leaving my friend Sandy and I realize this will be hard on her as well. I won’t be able to just go over whenever I’d like. No more showing her new animes, no more reading to her. I regret not being able to finish reading the Iron King to her. If only I’d discovered the book sooner. I won’t be able to talk to her about things only I can talk to her about. I will miss her understanding and companionship------and her chocolate cake. I am leaving my home, these walls that hear and see so much it is almost intimate. I am leaving this place that holds all of my secrets and can comfort me. I am leaving my cats. I won’t get to see Lenny and Billy reach true adulthood. I won’t be able to see their babies grow up. I won’t be able to see Fuzzbuckets babies grow up either. It is very sad to be leaving this place. I will miss the trees, the flowers, the green of the grass. I will miss the simplicity of such a small town. I will miss the forest. But most of all, I will miss my mom. I realize that our relationship isn’t perfect. Yes we get along and I can tell her almost anything but there is tension. But even despite that, I will miss her the most. She has always been there for me.
When I’m sick she’s always been there to begrudgingly take care of me. She’s always there to watch shows no one else will watch with me. She’s always there to listen to some new obsession though she gets little of it. She’s always there. She is a constant. The most important of all; and I’m leaving her behind. Visits won’t be enough. Yes I will eventually grow comfortable and content in my new environment but---in my soul, in my very being, I will always long to back here in this place with the people, animals and things that bring me comfort.
This is a big leap of faith that I am taking; I do not know if I will succeed. But I do know that I will try to do my best and make those who love me proud. And even though I will strive to do that, I will never lose who I am. This chapter of my life is coming to a close. It has been a long chapter with many parts and many characters. Only a few familiar characters are moving on to be in this new unknown chapter---and many new characters to meet. I am excited for this new adventure; if a bit nervous. But, to be the geek that I am. I will boldly go where I have not gone before.
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